Messenger Mailbag – Any Additions Beyond Flat Jesus?

An anonymous reader writes in, “I absolutely love my Flat Jesus! I take him everywhere, and He is so

photogenic. Will SUM be coming out with any other flat Biblical figures?”

Sorry, dear reader, but the answer is “no.” Not for lack of trying. Here are some of the ideas we had to

nix.

Flat Eve

We turned down Flat Eve when we realized that dozens of SUM members might run into Fitzgerald’s

one at a time for a photo op while stealing an apple. Not very neighborly behavior.

Flat Moses

Who doesn’t like Moses? Well, summer camp owners and military base commanders quickly get tired of

hearing, “Let my people go!” through a bullhorn.

In addition, bringing Flat Moses near any large, “part-able” body of water might cause extensive

localized flooding.

Flat Woman at the Well

Above ground wells are few and far between. You have to be there in the hottest part of the day. This

was a hard no.

Flat Noah

We thought this could be great down at a marina or maybe on the Block Island ferry. Then we knew that

SUM members would demand about 25 pairs of Flat Goats, Flat Sheep, etc. The cost would be

prohibitive.

Flat David and Flat Goliath

We were all set to go with this concept. Then we heard from the attorney for the owners of the rights to

the old Davey and Goliath animated TV show. You’d think something that happened in 1025 BCE would

be in the public domain. Anyway, we couldn’t afford to put our own Flat Lawyer on retainer, so we had

to give up.

Flat Zacchaeus

Two problems here. First, a lot of people forget who he was. Second, the people that do remember will

be expecting him, meaning you, dear reader, to hand out some of his ill-gotten wealth. So, we nixed it,

and you’re welcome.

Flat Doubting Thomas

It didn’t take long to realize SUM members would be photographing Flat Doubting Thomas sticking his

hand into the side of passing strangers. Not cool.

Flat John the Baptist

Paper dolls and water are not compatible. SUM members might be tempted to import edible locusts for

the full effect. It was a no go.

By the way

We did consider a deluxe version of Flat Jesus – the Plush Stuffed Jesus. Two showstoppers. While a Flat

Jesus costs about 15 cents, the Plush Stuffed Jesus costs $17.99. And things could get really weird if your

Bernedoodle thinks the plush doll is a brand-new chew toy. Better safe than sorry.

So, keep having fun with the original Flat Jesus. And share those pictures on-line!

Bruce Hale