Messenger Mailbag: Coffee Mug Confidential

[Note: if you are reading this on a cellphone, please hold your phone sideways for best viewing.] 

An anonymous reader asks, “Hi! Hey, what can you tell me about the coffee mugs on that four-sided wooden thingy that’s in Wesley Hall every Sunday?” 

Well, dear reader, let’s start with mugs in general. ChatGPT says an authentic coffee mug is cylindrical with a flat bottom and a handle on the side. It must also display a supposedly funny phrase or the name of something that was important to someone, somewhere, 10 to 30 years ago. 

Now, to learn about our Sunday mugs in particular, I had to do my own primary research. One Sunday evening after dark, I let myself into the church kitchen (where the four-sided wooden thingy is stored), turned on a note dictation app on my phone, and flicked on the lights. Here is the transcript: 

Me: There it is!  

JUST DO WHAT MOM SAYS: Hey, what’s going on? Our shift ended at one o’clock.

Me: Who – who said that?!

JUST DO WHAT MOM SAYS: I did. You don’t know me? I’m JUST DO WHAT MOM SAYS – the bright red mug. 

Smith & Smith, Attorneys at Law: Oh, great. Way to blow our secret, Momsie. He’s not on the Hospitality Team. That means he hasn’t signed our NDA.

Me: Wow! Mugs can talk! This is like a PIXAR movie. And Hospitality has never leaked this? Now I have even more questions.

Central School’s BOOK FAIR 2007: Questions?

Me: Yeah, I’m from The Messenger. We want to learn about the mugs people use on Sundays.

ORIGAMI -- YOUR FUN IN CREASES: Guys – he seems okay. Let’s welcome him into the fold. 

My Other Mug is HILARIOUS: Okay, if nobody objects, our Messenger man here can ask us a few questions, and we’ll see how it goes.

Me: Great! Thanks. So, how did you all end up on this four-sided wooden thingy?

ORIGAMI -- YOUR FUN IN CREASES: Hey, can we call the thingy the “Mobile Muganizer?”

Smith & Smith, Attorneys at Law: I guarantee you the copyright for that name is fully available.

GET ME A COFFEE BEFORE WE ALL HAVE A PROBLEM: Back to “how did we get here?” A few years ago, SUM decided to cut back on waste, such as paper cups. (They also ditched paper napkins until the big chicken wing debacle.) Anyway, they asked people to donate mugs from home so the church wouldn’t have to buy new ones.

University of Iowa Water Polo: Of course, most people donated mugs they hadn’t used or seen in years. For example, I was in the cabinet over the microwave, behind the waffle iron.

got milk?: I was in the basement between the bread machine and the ThighMaster. Those two did not get along, by the way.

HANNAH MONTANA: Me and five other mugs had been in the back of Ashley’s bedroom closet since her sixth-grade sleepover party. Growing mold. Ick.

Photo of a toddler feeding a French fry to a seagull: Others, like me, had faded with heavy use. My owners got creeped out because I started looking like that framed photograph in Back to the Future, where the loved ones slowly disappear.

GET ME A COFFEE BEFORE WE ALL HAVE A PROBLEM: Yep, all of us felt like rejects at the time. We overheard our owners saying this mug donation idea made a lot of sense. We were, like, ‘yeah, right.’

Me: Well, how have you adjusted to your new home here, out from the shadows back home? 

Central School’s BOOK FAIR 2007: Well, at first, some of us felt rejected again.                                                                                    

Me: Rejected again? How so?

ORIGAMI -- YOUR FUN IN CREASES: They hung us on the bottom row of hooks. Once you’re in the bottom row, nobody, I mean nobody, is going to pick you on Sunday morning. They won’t even see your message, and the top row is much easier to grab. The same thing will happen, coffee drinker after coffee drinker, Sunday after Sunday – nobody will want us. Ever.

KISS ME, I’M FROM ANTARCTICA: You bottom row mugs assumed that life on the top row of hooks is all lattes and lace. Well, try being top row but next to Give Peas a Chance. People will pick me up, then see Cutey-Pie Give Peas a Chance and jam me back on my hook. Better to hang down low where you won’t be judged. Being ignored is bliss.

Give Peas a Chance: Don’t hate me because I’m irresistible. What do you want me to do about it?

HANNAH MONTANA: Hey, I was worried about hanging on the side of the Muganizer that’s closest to the wall. I’d be invisible. I’d rather be back in Ashley’s closet. At least then I’d get to listen to five hours of TikTok every night.

Me: Uh, let’s move on. So now that you’ve been here for a couple of years, do you still feel rejected, or are you in a better place?

JUST DO WHAT MOM SAYS: It’s been going super well. The people who wash us and hang us up have been so kind, and they move us around so lots of mugs get to see some action.

My Other Mug is HILARIOUS: And the people coming into Wesley Hall just love their hot coffee and tea. We feel really appreciated, especially since mugs are bigger than paper cups.

University of Iowa Water Polo: Occasionally, somebody will even start singing Java Jive. You know, “I love coffee, I love tea. I love the Java Jive and it loves me.”

Me: I know that tune—a real classic.

University of Iowa Water Polo: “Coffee and tea and the java and me.”

Me: Yes, it’s a good song.

University of Iowa Water Polo: “A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup.”

Me: Trust me, I am very familiar with the song.

Central School’s BOOK FAIR 2007: If you think about it, we’re actually a part of the worship service. For some people, we’re the prelude to the prelude, for others, the postlude to the postlude—a small but meaningful piece of their whole wonderful church experience.

KISS ME, I’M FROM ANTARCTICA: And we’re an excuse for people to hang around and discuss how neither their kids nor their parents ever listen to reason. And to provide another church member with unsolicited advice on how to best recover from knee replacement surgery. And maybe, just maybe, start a beautiful new friendship.

GET ME A COFFEE BEFORE WE ALL HAVE A PROBLEM: We used to envy the coffee itself. You know, people become one with the coffee inside their bodies while we mugs are kept at arm’s length.          

Give Peas a Chance: But then we realized that a caffeine buzz is fun but fleeting, while coffee mugs last forever. Mugs around the world can survive hurricanes, wildfires, even fraternity parties, and still stand ready to provide a dose of comfort and joy.

Me: It sounds like you guys are in a much better place than you expected.

got milk?: For sure. We went from sitting around the house, forgotten forever, to serving a really fulfilling purpose for a few hours every week.

Smith & Smith, Attorneys at Law: Our old owners were right. Getting involved in this new way did make a lot of sense.

JUST DO WHAT MOM SAYS: And if the people always go for Give Peas a Chance first, it’s all good. We’re a tight-knit team.

My Other Mug is HILARIOUS: Amen to that.

University of Iowa Water Polo: “Coffee and tea and the java and me. A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup.”

Me: End of recording. 

So, dear reader, that’s the deal with our mugs. By the way, if you now feel compelled to thank your mug on Sunday, please whisper. They want people to forget about their little secret.

Bruce Hale