Messenger Mailbag: Why Do I Bother?

Philip from Schenectady writes in, “For some reason, I just love to bother people. I mean, that’s one of the reasons I moved to Schenectady. Hearing ‘How do you spell that again?’ just slays me every time. Anyway, I’m trying to figure out why I, or anybody else, would want to bother people so badly. I figure your Mailbag articles must annoy people by the dozens. Why are you driven to be such a pest?” 

Well, dear reader, I am appalled that you assume I annoy people. Fortunately for you, I do know someone who has spent many years honing his snark skills and has tenaciously ignored all the negative feedback. His motivation to bother others, he tells me, has been a mash-up of all of the reasons explained below. Maybe a few of them will ring true for you, too.

Attention seeking

This is a biggie. Many people feel unseen and unheard, a pattern that often starts in childhood. Let’s say you’re the ninth of 11 children. To be noticed by your parents, you can practice violin for three hours a day for seven years. Or, you can steal your baby sister’s French fries. You decide.

These “hey, somebody notice me” choices continue into adulthood. You can work long, hard hours to earn a celebrated promotion. Or you can make loud personal phone calls while standing in your cubicle. You decide.

Close friendship

The botherer knows the botheree likes being pestered. The victim knows the perpetrator is only kidding. The victim retaliates in kind to reinforce a tight relationship. The two people might even describe themselves as blood bothers. A band of bothers. Bothers from another father.

Mistakenly thinking you’re funny

This is the flip side of the “close friendship” one above. You think the botheree is your pal. The botheree cringes at the sound of your name. Patience-of-a-saint recipients of your witless retorts and countless finger jabs can turn the other cheek, for a while. Eventually, they will snap and spray paint “Killjoy was here” on the side of your house. By the way, if your partner sprays that inside your house, the situation’s getting serious.

Exacting revenge

Let’s say you and your spouse disagree on the merits of Yankee Candles. You light up a Caribbean Daydream in the kitchen and a Pine Forest Frolic in the den. Five minutes later, your spouse fakes a Felix Unger sinus attack, just to prove a point. You smile and light up a Pumpkin Pie Parade in the bedroom, just to prove who’s boss.

Fulfilling a ritualistic obligation    

Many years ago, for teenage boys, this involved such nostalgically charming activities as rat-tail towel whipping in the school gym locker room. Nowadays, as fully formed adults, men have scaled way back to “Look what the cat dragged in!” and short-tempered neighborhood Facebook postings.

Inability to express true feelings

A famous saying goes, “You always hurt the one you love.” Let us examine a lesser-known corollary, “You always bother a whole bunch of people you sort of like.” It’s very awkward to go up to somebody and say, “I sort of like you.” But you can bombard them with mediocre Dad jokes and hope they read between the lines. Another corollary is, “You always bother a bunch of people you sort of detest.” In childhood, this might involve putting your feet on your brother’s side of the car. In adulthood, you might dole out endless Seinfeld references to your workplace peers (“No pay raise for you!”), and hope they get the message loud and clear.

Obliviousness

Another biggie. A person lacking self-awareness might accidentally specialize in a few of these annoying behaviors:

Muttering, sputtering, extreme decluttering, or overly dramatic sighs.

On-the-line parking, unsupervised barking, trite remarking, or spilled food left loose on the floor.

Uncalled-for cursing, decision reversing, tight lip pursing, or inability to count points in cribbage.

Off-key humming, plugged-up plumbing, discourse dumbing, or unclosed cabinet doors.

Keyboard clattering, microwave splattering, reverie shattering, or repetition of terrible puns.

Cellphone chirping, soup spoon slurping, protracted burping, or breath that could kill a cactus.

…

I’ve been thinking as a Methodist about all this bothering and all these reasons for doing it. Some people seem insecure about their place in the world and feel compelled to lash out, even gently, to get a leg up on their fellow humans. Yet God gives us prevenient grace and is patiently waiting for us to engage with Him.

In summary, don’t move to Schenectady. Be with God for a spell. [Okay, yes, that was a pun, but it was not a terrible pun and I only used it once, so calm yourself down.]

Bruce Hale