Messenger Mailbag: Developing Advanced Listening Skills
An anonymous reader writes in, “I’m a voracious reader, an anonymous voracious reader. Apparently, I’m also a terrible listener. That’s what my wife says she tells me all the time. I didn’t believe it until she put it in writing. Now she has resorted to inserting things into my supermarket shopping lists. Like:
eggs
frozen waffles
please look at me when I’m talking
non-organic bananas
oat milk
a simple ‘how was your day’ would be nice
store brand granola
chocolate ice cream
stop saying uh-hunh like you heard a single word I said
blah, blah, blah.
Any advice on how to become a better listener?”
Well, dear reader, let me start by saying that using “blah, blah, blah” is a very bad sign. You are mocking something that’s important to another person. Now, a single “blah” can be fine, as in, “Honey, you seem a little blah this evening. Please sit down next to me and tell me all about it.”. But three “blahs,” bingo-bango-bongo? Not good.
So, anyway, you say you want some advice. (See what I did there? I showed you that I was paying attention.) Advanced listening comes down to three simple lessons: prove you’re paying attention, don’t make it about you, and evaluate the speaker’s intent.
To illustrate, let’s take a typical SUM member scenario. It’s Friday night and you’re at the home of Kelly Fosdick for a Food and Fellowship dinner. A guy to your left leans over and whispers, “I wouldn’t feed this potato salad to a duck.”
Lesson #1: Prove you’re paying attention
Demonstrate your keen interest by asking relevant follow-up questions. For example:
“What if we substituted those green beans almondine?”
“Are ducks and mayonnaise a dangerous combination, you know, like emperor penguins and eggplant parm?”
“Did a cute girl at a middle school mixer once tell you, ‘Heck, no, I’d rather dance with a duck, and, by
the way, you have potato salad smeared on your upper lip’s peach fuzz’?”
Lesson #2: Don’t make it about you
Do not try to one-up the speaker. Examples of poor follow-ups:
“Well, I’ve successfully fed my potato salad to an entire family of grateful skunks.”
“Dude, it’s a moot point, because ducks lack opposable thumbs. They can’t use a fork.”
“Hey, everybody, Charles here thinks I like to keep secrets!”
Lesson #3: Evaluate the speaker’s intent
Look for subtle clues. For instance:
If he says, “I wouldn’t feed this potato salad to a duck,” very quickly, then this probably is just something his grandma used to mutter randomly at Thanksgiving dinner. No harm intended.
But, if he says, “I wouldn’t feed this potato salad to . . . um . . . a duck,” that tells you he just thought of this, real time. He definitely hates the potato salad.
And, if he phrased it, “Ducks – we should never feed them potato salad,” it means he’s a duck hugger.
He’ll be hitting you up for an Audubon Society donation before you finish dessert.
Putting it all together: Love your neighbor
If you follow these three lessons, dear reader, you’ll be well on your way to advanced listener status.
Simply being present for the person next to you, acknowledging that they matter and that what they say is important to you, is a great example of loving your neighbor. Which is exactly what Jesus commands us to do.
Now some people will argue that true neighborly love must involve grandiose gifts, elaborate displays, and over the top magnificent gestures. Blah, blah, blah.
Bruce Hale