Messenger Mailbag: SUM Has Good Sports News
Eric Bleacher of South Granby writes in, “Early March is such a tough time for sports fans. The Super Bowl is over. The Olympics are over. Baseball and March Madness haven’t started yet. Can Simsbury United Methodist fill this gaping hole in my life?
Well, Eric, I’m so sorry you feel like an empty T-shirt cannon. But good news! SUM is in the midst of the exciting, first-ever Farmington Valley House of Worship Olympics. Check our website for upcoming events. Our teams are known as the Win-SUM Winners, at least within our church. Well, at least among the team members within our church.
Anyway, here are some recent outcomes to help ease your mind:
Musical Chairs
This multi-week competition began with entrants from 10 churches. With each round, the selected song got harder and harder to tolerate for more than a few seconds. “Pop Goes the Weasel” led to “Sugar, Sugar”, led to “We Built This City”, and so on. The final round came down to SUM and Granby Congregational, facing off to John Cage’s “4’33.”” The Granby contestant was disqualified when she mistook the beginning of the first movement for the signal to sit. Hey, a gold medal is a gold medal.
Eight-man Crew
SUM had a good turnout for tryouts: 14 for the men’s team and 12 for the women’s. Unfortunately, all 26 wanted to be the coxswain so they could boss their teammates around and not have to row. Oh well. Watch for a car wash to cover the cost of the megaphones.
Scrabble
The Win-SUM Winners’ best player fell in the semi-finals to Covenant Presbyterian. At that level, the tournament director switched from embossed tiles to smooth painted tiles, making it no longer possible to fish around in the bag for the blanks. If you want to compete next year, start rehearsing mnemonics for high-point words, like “QUARTZ and TOPAZ are on my FEZ, for HIJINX during the EQUINOX.”
Log Rolling
SUM got trounced in this traditional lumberjack floating log competition by the team from Saint Mary’s. When SUM protested that all their flannel-shirted opponents arrived in pick-up trucks bearing British Columbia license plates, their response was, “We were in the neighborhood for a first communion.”
Rock Paper Scissors
Our star R-P-S athlete has been benched while rehabbing from carpal tunnel surgery. Her replacement panicked during a key match last week against the Farmington Valley Jewish Congregation. He was eliminated after using, in consecutive showdowns, the hitchhike thumb, the V-shaped “Live long and prosper” greeting, and, lastly, the two-handed “Open the doors and see all the people.” No medal for us.
Yahtzee
The Win-SUM Winners lost a preliminary match to St. Albans in stunning fashion after our team captain rolled five ones. She decided to take five on her ones, rather than calling it a 50-point Yahtzee. “I thought it was a really nice way to love my neighbor.” The SUM Church Council has since reassigned her to log rolling, so there is a vacancy for you if you want it.
Tongue Twister
Just to be clear, this event does not entail licking colored circles on a plastic mat (“Sweet taste buds – green!”). Rather, contestants must quickly and cleanly pronounce difficult word sequences. SUM’s entrant won a close one against First Church of Christ by nailing “red rubber baby buggy bumpers.” The rumor mill has it that next week will bring the dreaded “toy boat” three times fast.
Staring Contest
SUM made a strategic error by going with some of our older retired members, figuring they were used to staring out windows, staring at unfinished crossword puzzles, staring at Andy Griffith reruns, etc. Big mistake. Not only were those assumptions wrong, but the infants deployed by competing churches were all relentless, straight-ahead non-blinkers, with a four-month-old from Farmington Valley Community Baptist reigning supreme. So, Eric, don’t bother submitting the paperwork for this one.
Brownie Baking
In February’s Olympic qualifier, the Win-SUM Winners scored yet another victory in the annual Townie Brownie Big Smack-Downie. Once again, SUM’s Ghirardelli Double Chocolate Premium Brownie Mix, expertly prepared, carried the day. The outcome was sealed when the opponent from St. Catherine of Sienna decided to take a phone call about the birth of her grandchild, instead of monitoring her own oven. Mother and baby are fine. The brownies – and the oven – not so much. There’s a lesson there for all our dear readers, if you want to bake next year: You can’t serve two masters.
In Conclusion
Speaking of serving two masters, Eric, perhaps you’re just a little too invested in sports. But then, aren’t we all? That is, if by “all” we mean “male humans” (And that includes four-month-old boys with unrelenting stares).
In your letter, you asked, “Can Simsbury United Methodist fill this gaping hole in my life?” And the answer is “yes.” Come to church. Come to small groups. Come to missions.
Find a friend in the pews. Find a friend in the hall. Find a friend in the Annex. Find a friend in the pulpit. Find a friend in Jesus. And find a friend in God.
You’ll see, SUM has a lot of good sports.
Bruce Hale