Messenger Mailbag: Where Should I Park?
An anonymous reader writes in, “Hi! I’m seventeen and need some help. My parents are ‘Spiritual, But Not Religious,’ while I’m ‘Religious, But Just Got My Driver’s License.’ LOL. This Sunday, I want to drive myself to try out your church. Where is a good place to park?”
First of all, dear reader, I admire your initiative, your spunk, your Main Character Energy. It must be hard sometimes to live as an RBJGMDL in an SBNR household.
Fortunately, our church has plenty of parking options. You just need to be aware of a few little things in advance. Let’s review the choices.
Spaces near the daycare playground
These spaces are nice and close to the building, which is a good thing, right? However, once you shut off your car, as a religious teenager, you’ll likely think, “There are probably some really old people, like people over 50, who need this space more than I do.” But now you’ll have trouble backing out while other cars are streaming in, so you’re trapped. You could try walking into church with an exaggerated limp, like you really needed the primo parking space. However, you’ll feel guilty for a week, plus you’ll have to remember to limp with the same leg on the way out of the sanctuary. Best to avoid this section.
Spaces off to the right behind the ABC House
This area typically has many open spots. One little issue is that the pavement slopes downhill toward the church, so gravity comes into play when people open a car door. There are several heightened risks of ding damage to your car from the space just uphill: seven-year-old children, people unloading a cello from the back seat, and two-door coupes with huge doors from the 1970s. The people of our church are typically very careful, and you need not worry. But, if by some freak chance, you see a seven-year-old trying to unload a cello from a Lincoln Continental Mark V, move your car immediately.
Spaces off to the left behind the daycare wing
These spaces are a good option. They are convenient and level. If you park facing the hill, you’ll have early warning when our resident bear family lumbers down to say hello. One minor concern is that if you park facing the building, the nursery room attendant might stare out the window while you clumsily apply last-minute lipstick or hair gel in the rearview mirror. Don’t fret. She might be handling a crying baby with a dirty diaper, and just wistfully wishing she could trade places with you.
Spaces up the hill, in front of The Barn
These elevated spaces are a little complicated, but with this advice, a new driver should do just fine. First, do not park on the right side. You might accidentally go all Thelma and Louise. That’s a 1991 movie where, after Brad Pitt steals their bankroll of $6,000, two beautiful women intentionally drive off a cliff. Don’t do that.
A second caution is that after church, cars by The Barn will be backing up from three sides into a central area. Experienced SUM drivers can easily navigate that situation, after multiple rounds of “You go first” and “No, I insist YOU go first.” Hang out in Wesley Hall for 15 minutes to allow this to resolve.
On the bright side, as a robust teenager, you can easily descend the hill on foot down to the sanctuary. You may find yourself in a position to assist qualifying older people. They’re the ones walking down with a zig-zag slalom technique, or taking hundreds of tiny steps like Tim Conway on the Carol Burnett Show. (Sorry for another Boomer reference. Ask your grandmother, while tugging on your earlobe.)
Spaces behind the sanctuary, below the church office
These spaces are a decent choice. Just walk around to the front door of the church. The problem is the multiple temptations while leaving. You’ll be tempted to take the nearby exit onto Plank Hill Road, rather than weaving through cars in the main parking area. The traffic light at Hopmeadow Street stays red for a very long time, so you’ll be tempted to sneak through the parking area in front of the Winged Bear Restaurant. Then you’ll be tempted to yell at yourself if you want to turn left across both lanes of traffic to head back north, and, by the way, the light is now green for Plank Hill Road. Instead, you might want to hang out in Wesley Hall for 15 minutes and then leave through the Hopmeadow driveway.
Plan ahead
If you are still anxious about picking a space, try doing a reconnaissance mission on the Saturday before your first Sunday. Scout out a space that feels right for you. However, be aware that our church’s governing body has banned leaving a traffic cone, folding chair, or “any dead mammal larger than a squirrel” to save your desired space.
While you’re at it
If you enjoy your first visit, please come back again soon. Consider sampling our youth fellowship group. Check out a few of our many mission opportunities.
Your parents might be interested in our inclusive and welcoming Purpose Statement and Guiding Principles, found on our website. We have a few members who are “Spiritual, But Only a Smidgeon Religious as of Right Now, But Who Knows Long Term.” You can advise Mom and Dad on where to park.
Bruce Hale