Messenger Mailbag: A Mailbag Christmas
An anonymous reader writes in to ask, “Happy holidays, Mr. Mailbag! This might sound like a weird question, but how does Christmas time in the Messenger mailroom compare to Christmas time in other cultures?”
First of all, dear reader, that is not a weird question. A weird question would be, “Why does Allan Sherman’s 1963 parody ‘The Twelve Gifts of Christmas’ get less respect than his 1963 summer camp song, ‘Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh’?”
Or, “Why do spectacularly beautiful people show up at SUM, but only at Christmas and Easter, to parade around in the sanctuary while long-time members mouth the word ‘Wow’?”
Or, “Why do people say you can’t put toothpaste back in the tube? Haven’t they heard of a steak knife and duct tape?”
Now, those are weird questions. Especially the last one, which, hello, is more than a little off topic. Anyway, let me pause to answer the beautiful people question. According to the esteemed church research company, Pew-Pew-Pew Laser Data, for 50 Sundays a year, drop-dead gorgeous people are hired by wealthy churches to be Magnet Members. Magnet Members wear red-carpet-style outfits, sashay around, and sit up front in a shameless attempt to attract more attendance. They are paid handsomely per service, plus extra if they stay for the coffee hour to wave at volunteers scraping crushed brownies off the linoleum floor. Twice a year, these hotties feel extra guilty, skip the paycheck, and seek a meaningful worship experience at the church of their choosing, like ours. So, SUM members, please approach these beautiful people, shake their hand, and say, “We all have to make difficult choices.”
Okay, back to Christmas time in the Messenger mailroom. It’s a bit of a challenge. The mailroom is temporarily in an unheated corner of a garage bay under the Barn. Fortunately, I can make hot chocolate and ramen noodles on a hot plate I saved from college. Such fond memories. Otherwise, it’s pretty standard fare: favorite tree ornaments, favorite Christmas albums, and favorite places where I gain weight.
How does that compare to other cultures? Pew-Pew-Pew brings up Norway, where traditionally the Christmas tree is hung upside down from the ceiling. When Norwegians migrated to the US in droves (ironically, to improve access to Norwegian Cruise Lines vacations), the ceiling hanging became a problem. East Coast landlords said they couldn’t tolerate the plaster damage, and so it was either assimilate or move to Minnesota. The Norwegians protested, “Why are you picking on us? The Swedes attach lit candles to their Christmas trees!” The landlords thanked them for sharing and gave the Swedes the same ultimatum. Which is why to this day you can buy a three-pack of fire extinguishers at kiosk carts inside the Mall of America.
Another way to compare Christmas cultures is over time. Consider the 1983 classic movie, “A Christmas Story.” I’m a big fan. It’s spooky how closely my experiences this year have matched with Ralphie’s family’s back around 1940. Church staff decided my leg lamp was “totally inappropriate” for the Verdin Parlor. Little Lambs and Ivy decided my pellet rifle was “totally too much of a safety hazard” to be left on the stage in Wesley Hall. I’m surprised my triple dog dare to lick the flagpole wasn’t labeled “totally against the law.” Can’t kids learn the hard way anymore?
And lastly, some things do change over time, but not really. When I was a teenager, what I really wanted from my parents for Christmas was money to buy the latest rock albums. What I got was a Brooks Brothers dress shirt. Now, at age 70, I’m hoping my wife will give me money to buy the latest non-fiction books. But I know there will be L.L. Bean pajamas under the tree instead. Who doesn’t need a fifth set of pajamas? “Honey, you read my mind! Again!”
I wish a wonderfully Merry Christmas to all our Messenger readers, and a happy and healthy New Year!
Bruce Hale