The Grace to Grieve
What does “the grace to grieve” mean? According to AI, it means allowing oneself the space and time to process loss and sadness, acknowledging it as a natural human experience, and finding ways to cope with it, even amidst pain. It is about recognizing that grief is a process, not a destination, and that it is okay to feel the emotions associated with loss without judgment or pressure to "move on."
I recently lost two close friends to Pancreatic Cancer. One in Connecticut and one in Ireland. They were both too young and too vibrant to leave this world so early, but that scourge known as cancer is not kind or selective. It takes anyone, anytime. One of the women was my best friend for the past 69 years. We had a lifetime together. I sometimes imagine only her husband feels this loss like I do, but I am likely mistaken. Many people loved her and surely miss her. I am trying to apply the ‘grace to grieve’ to others as well as myself.
This grief journey road has more hazardous situations than any construction site I’ve seen and more ups and downs than any rollercoaster I’ve been on. There is no telling how grief will impact a person or how a person will cope, but the bereaved may be forever changed. The grief-stricken may not see the world the way they saw it one moment before. Everything has changed…their reality has changed. They are heavy and pushing through something dark and deep…they often feel lost and disjointed. They may not be themselves, so it is important to offer abundant forgiveness and understanding.
But not everyone grieves the same, and so that grace needs to be extended to everyone, even if they don’t appear to be grieving, or grieving outwardly. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. We may have to forgive others for their lack of understanding, their perceived insensitivity, and even their bizarre or misguided comments. Try not to hold on too tightly to expectations of what people should do and/or say or how often. Expectations often lead to disappointment, hurt, and anger in a time we’re most in need of love, peace, and healing. Everyone is doing their best. As Toni Morrison said, “If they knew better, they would do better.”
As a woman of faith, I yearn to have the quality of grace, to honor and extend courtesy. Giving grace not just to myself but also to others. Because of what we’ve lived through, we can share lessons learned along the way and positively uplift and encourage others who find themselves here. The ‘grace to grieve’ is a lifelong process that we all share. Be kind.
Eileen Brogan